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Hi. Am I safe here? Need some help..


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Short story:

I am 35+ years old.

Been seeking help for my constant anxiety , yes constant, just as constant as waking up in the morning and drinking water, coffee, or sitting here writing this. Its just there.

Its been there for I have forgot how long. Ive been seeking help for this overall since about 2003 or so, but gave up in and around 2013.

Why is nothing I want to go into really but I have some "problems" with "self-medicating" due to this anxiety, and all doctors say no to adequate treatment until you are "sober". Quite the catch-22.

Im not some junkie looking for a fix. I can be clean for as long as I want to. Never got addicted to anything. Until this year, coming to that in a moment.

Anyway, I did like they said, showed them clean urine for a period of time, they treated me for GAD, Panic Disorder and Depression, but sadly, with 0 effect.

The first SSRI I tried made me quite numb but when I decided to get off after I few years, it felt like I had been sleeping for the past years. Scary as fuck.

The next SSRI wasnt as cloudy or sleepy, but lacked any effect.

Anyway, I stayed clear from psychiatry and hospitals and started self medicating. Again.

This time I went back to benzos since I had been clean from them for over 3 years.

But they didnt work. I had become Immune. This scared me. What has happened in my brain that makes me immune against benzos?

Alchol works, but benzo has no effect.

 

I can take 10mg of Diazapam or 100mg of Diazepam at once - and the effect is identical. Light light anxiety releief and a bit tired.

I googled this of course and it means I lack the specific receptors in the synapse for the benzo to bind on.

Therefore, If I take one dose of 10mg, or one dose of 10000mg, it wont matter. The rest will have no place to go. No synapse has any avaliable BZP- receptor.

So benzos are out. Yes, Ive tried all avaliable to buy easily, which is Diaz, Alpra, Fluniz, Broma, Tema, Klona.

Ok, so Opioids then. Start light. Codeine. Meh, requires way too much, and it lasts way to short a time. Becides its a bitch getting the pure form, it always comes with toxic Paracetamol which is very dangerous when you take several grams of it..

Second option was Tramadol. Wow. I found it! It cured all my anxiety! Cured my Depression! I was on it daily for about 4 months until I noticed I had to increase the dose quite rapidly. And soon I was on 1+g / day just to stay off Withdrawal.

I got off a few times (Tramadol withdrawals are a bitch.) but always started again. Now the same thing happened again. The first 3 days was wonderful, then nothing.

Its like I got Immune to that shit too.

I could literally take 100mg or 1000mg, same effect...

So Oxycontin then? Didnt even work, I tried 60mg, didnt even have any effect.

Morphine? Since the low oral avaliability (And I dont shoot) I didnt even bother.

 

Left was Suboxone and Methadone.

Tried sub, and it was great. Killed the anxiety, didnt give me much of a high, but it worked. Kinda like a Tramadol-light.

But after a few months I was at max-dose where it levels off, and stops working.

So I tried Methadone. Wow what a fucking kick in the head. Took a bit much as my virgin dose So I hardly remember that day, more than laying in a fluffy cloud of warm euophoric blankets. For those of you who do not know, yes, Methadone is extremely potent and gets you REEEALLYY high.

But again, it comes to a point where it stabilizies in your body and you dont feel it anymore.

This happens with almost any opiate/opioid. See the Documentary "Methadonia".

 

So I decided to take up hospital care again, they gave me this time an SNRI called Venlafaxine. No effect at all, neither good nor bad. I have a new appointment soon and we are gonna start with Mirtazapine to add to the Venlafaxine. Apparantly these have some opioid-receptor affinity and should work good when mixed together.

 

If Venlafaxine + Mirtazapine doesnt work, the last option is Cymbalta. If that dont work either, Im back, left to my own devices.

 

This time I aint got no more options left.

 

And yeah, I tried Pregabalin https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregabalinbut it just makes me feel wierd.

I wish I could smoke Cannabis but I cant, just taking ONE hit makes me almost TRIP, because I get so intense flashbacks from my teens when I did alot of shrooms and shit, and while you have this kinda anxiety I have, pot is just not an option, point blank. It just makes it go waaay worse.

 

So Ive tried all legal options, all illegal options, and I dont believe in any self-help stuff like Mindfullness, CBT, and stuff like that.

Trust me, after 35 years I know what to do to kill a panic attack before it happens, and I know how to breathe and relax and all that stuff, but I cant kick this nagging constant 24/7 anxiety.

 

I WISH I could be on Tramadol for life. But that didnt work. I was on 400mg/day for MONTHS and it was perfect, then all of a sudden it just ... stopped working... had to go up to 2g to get effect and 1g just to keep Withdrawals away.

 

Thanks for letting me vent here and put my thoughts into words. I really dont feel anonymous anywhere else than psynews right now.

 

Thanks for reading, cheers

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:o No no no no.

 

Diazepam -Bad!

Codeine - Bad!

Morphine - Bad!

Methadone - Bad!

 

Whatever the reason for your Anxiety is , it's not worth talking all this AP. Looks like you have been taking enough to know the ill affects already. Of course then there is "withdrawals" you are upping it like crazy. This is not gonna solve your anxiety problem.

 

For sure as hell, they all make you feel like the king of the world with all the calmness and 0 anxiety. But they twist you up before you know it. I'm glad you didn't mention (Nitrazepam! Bitch that one!)

Fight your anxiety. Say to yourself , nothing is gonna happen. Say to yourself I can take on the fucking world next morning when I wake up.

 

You need to phase them "ALL" out.

Good luck.

 

(It's all my opinion and sincere advise)

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:o No no no no.

 

Diazepam -Bad!

Codeine - Bad!

Morphine - Bad!

Methadone - Bad!

 

Whatever the reason for your Anxiety is , it's not worth talking all this AP. Looks like you have been taking enough to know the ill affects already. Of course then there is "withdrawals" you are upping it like crazy. This is not gonna solve your anxiety problem.

 

For sure as hell, they all make you feel like the king of the world with all the calmness and 0 anxiety. But they twist you up before you know it. I'm glad you didn't mention (Nitrazepam! Bitch that one!)

Fight your anxiety. Say to yourself , nothing is gonna happen. Say to yourself I can take on the fucking world next morning when I wake up.

 

You need to phase them "ALL" out.

Good luck.

 

(It's all my opinion and sincere advise)

thanks bro! but ive pretty much been there done that already. ive contemplating suicide for the past 10 years on a daily basis and im willing to take a drug that kills the anxiety, even WITH the other shit that comes with it.

I just cant stand the anxiety anymore.

 

Its not like I have panic attacks like I use to, but the anxiety wont let go.

Ive phazed all drugs out, on many occaisions, during the span of my adult life.

 

 

Also, for example, Tramadol, its not like you feel youre the king of the world or anything, it doesnt change youre personality. And dont disagree until youve tried it yourself.

You just feel "good".

But like i said, it gets to a point when it wont work anymore.

 

And im there.

So, whats next?

 

I cant just keep saying to myself nothing is going to happen, cus Ive known that now for over 10 years bro. NOTHING is going to happen.

Anxiety in itself is completely safe, I know this bro. This is how I learned to kick Panic Attacks.

 

But it gets to a point in your life, where you no longer have the energy to get up in the morning, and this is when either

a. suicide comes into the mix

b. drugs (which ive done em all)

c. serious psychiatric help (ive ALMOST done em all)

d. suicide comes back into the mix

e. harder drugs comes back into the mix cus you cant kill yourself, you will kill your mother killing yourself, how selfish can you be?

 

 

so.. Its not like i got many options man.

 

Im like, WAAY ahead of you, in terms of what you are trying to tell me, and where I am mentally.

I appreciate it as fukk dont get me wrong man, there is no way of you to know where Im at mentally.

But trust me man, all that is way too late for me.

Im at the cusp of suicide or something to kick my anxiety.

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Oh..this kind of problem is kind of out of proper and effective cure considering medical drugs unless one wants to start using schizophrenia drugs regularly and be a zombie day n' night. Happened here this spring that the drummer of Nightwish Jukka Nevalainen was forced to quit his job because of bad insomnia that had been treated in every possible way with no outcome. And this drummer sure had money for good docs (Nightwish is a famous and rich band). He came out public about the thing, that's how I know. What comes to you I wish all the best fighting the stuff. Horns up \m/ :)

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What do you actually do in your life? What do you think is causing this anxiety, when did it start? Therapy. Finding the root helps.

 

Personally increasing dopamine input helped my anxiety a lot(placebo or not but l-tyrosine made me more focused), but mostly lifestyle changes and meeting a girl curbed it to the ground. I still have issues with it when I'm under stress or certain situations but mine basically went away with just changing how I live, facing situations I normally wouldn't.

 

You could also try Buspar instead of a typical ssri. It's geared toward anxiety quite exclusively even though it contains serotonic properties.

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What do you actually do in your life? What do you think is causing this anxiety, when did it start? Therapy. Finding the root helps.

 

Personally increasing dopamine input helped my anxiety a lot(placebo or not but l-tyrosine made me more focused), but mostly lifestyle changes and meeting a girl curbed it to the ground. I still have issues with it when I'm under stress or certain situations but mine basically went away with just changing how I live, facing situations I normally wouldn't.

 

You could also try Buspar instead of a typical ssri. It's geared toward anxiety quite exclusively even though it contains serotonic properties.

I kind of agree and disagree at the same time. Our brother has already tried looots of stuff. Sure if one keeps on searching and trying new medics it might end up with a miracle of really finding the cure but there's a limit how much one can handle (mentally and physically) these trials. Mentally so that there supposedly is more disappointments ahead than success and it eats up like it has already eaten up him. And disappointments lead to more anxiety. A good thing here is that he shared his stuff openly in this forum: speaking to ppl is necessary..wrestling the stuff alone is a way to destruction as far as I see it. And psychiatrists can be real cunts..they don't care mostly. Finding friends online and irl is the thing to do (@ Penzoline: yes, a nice thing ya met that girl). And listening to music. Sports, too, if one is up to such.

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have you tried out different schools of psychotherapy? as far as i know (i have friends who are psychotherapists) client centered therapy seems to help nicely in the long term for many people. cbt donsn't get to the root of the problem and rather helps for specific situations than for general well-being.

 

medication wise, there is tianeptine, which has a completely different mechanism of action than all other drugs used for anxiety/depression. it also has a little opioid-receptor activity, but that's not the main mechanism (as far as we know now). it might be worth a try if it's available in your country.

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I kind of agree and disagree at the same time. Our brother has already tried looots of stuff. Sure if one keeps on searching and trying new medics it might end up with a miracle of really finding the cure but there's a limit how much one can handle (mentally and physically) these trials. Mentally so that there supposedly is more disappointments ahead than success and it eats up like it has already eaten up him. And disappointments lead to more anxiety. A good thing here is that he shared his stuff openly in this forum: speaking to ppl is necessary..wrestling the stuff alone is a way to destruction as far as I see it. And psychiatrists can be real cunts..they don't care mostly. Finding friends online and irl is the thing to do (@ Penzoline: yes, a nice thing ya met that girl). And listening to music. Sports, too, if one is up to such.

Psychiatrists can definitely be real cunts, I agree with that. They think they know everything most of the time. Also doesn't help the pharmaceutical industry doesn't actually give a shit about anyones well being.

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Psychiatrists can definitely be real cunts, I agree with that.

I think I might suffer from some sort of depression or something, I don't know, and neither seem to know the 3 psychiatrists I've talked with so far. None of them had one fucking clue about what's going on in my head, just the normal routine bullshit talk that gets me exactly nowhere. Perhaps they were thrown off by my immediate refusal to take any medication whatsoever to "help" me.

Oh well, shit happens.

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Perhaps they were thrown off by my immediate refusal to take any medication whatsoever to "help" me.

 

I have worked 3 years in a mental hospital as a doctor during my med studies in the late 1990's through the beginning of 2000. Quitted med school and went to work to get experience and money. Yeah..it is possible in Finland once you achieve a lower candidate degree from med school. All I can tell is that patients against taking drugs are immediately put in this "foul category" of not willing to play by the rules and psychiatrists take the attitude to be besserwissers in these cases refusing not even to discuss the options. I did that, too. I was living in the context of a doctor attitude fed to me at med school by teachers and fellow students. The hospital where I worked in was 1,5 hour drive away from where I lived and me and my 3 workmates used to drive there "carpool". Many times during the drive we just laughed at this and that "funny and stupid" patient who doesn't know his/her own best. Mostly we had the same patients so we talked about them directly using names. I have changed 110% from those times. Humanity has stepped in. Medical school is a school of brainwash. Pharmaceutical companies also contribute with throwing parties with free drinking and gifts.

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Thought so :)

 

Yeah..this confession about doctors' world was meant to psynews ears only. Good place this. I can be me. ;) But I guess ppl realize that thinking pattern of most doctors without any confessions from an ex-insider ;)

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Thought so :)

And if I feel the need to fuck around with my brain chemistry, I know better ways :P

dude

if you have the brainpower, the self discipline (that like, 0,01% of the popu has) then do Methadone.

Its fucking killer. It will knock the socks of your peen bro.

wrap you up in a warm fukin blanket labled Euphoria (not the kind of fake euphoria you get with molly/mdma - fuck that) but REAL genuine Euphria.

but if youre like me and basically any other human, best not do it.

if you get hooked, youre in for a baaad journey. Fortunately I cant afford getting hooked to Methadone. All I can afford is Suboxone and Tramadol.

Which is cool and all that, but dont give you the fukin 1/5th of a high Methadone will.

And I wish for everyone before they die, to experience REAL euphoria, not that fake chemical MDMA euphoria that makes u wanna kiss your best mate and shit like that.

ugh. fuck that.

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Thought so :)

And if I feel the need to fuck around with my brain chemistry, I know better ways :P

+1 to that Paul Eye :P

 

I laughed my ass when i read about ( http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/d-brief/2014/10/13/frozen-poop-pills-can-cure-intestinal-infections/ )

 

First they give us anti antibiotics and fuck us up and then comes the pro biotics :P

 

Fucking Poop Pills - This was insane :lol::lol:

 

 

 

 

I strongly feel the presence of the dude, AlienDNA. Do you guys remember him?

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All the downers are SHIT! Sorry but had to put that out.

 

So are the UPPERS!

not if you therapeutically need them bro. they can save lives. they do every day.

i love you i dont know you but i do, cus i can see your heart and its full of love,

but pharma's save lives every day man

<3

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not if you therapeutically need them bro. they can save lives. they do every day.

i love you i dont know you but i do, cus i can see your heart and its full of love,

but pharma's save lives every day man

<3

 

he he he.. Thanks bro. Love you too! :D

 

I agree.

( I was pointing towards the Abusive culture. ) Enjoy your booze high.! ;)

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he hospital where I worked in was 1,5 hour drive away from where I lived and me and my 3 workmates used to drive there "carpool". Many times during the drive we just laughed at this and that "funny and stupid" patient who doesn't know his/her own best. Mostly we had the same patients so we talked about them directly using names.

The fuck.. I knew psychs were way over their heads but this is on a whole different ballpark.

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The fuck.. I knew psychs were way over their heads but this is on a whole different ballpark.

I do have regrets. But go with a flow type of thing was back in times. The other 2 in the car were graduated psychiatrists, one was a psychologist. I was a med student working under "supervision" that was existing only on the paper. And no excuses for me.

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I recommend cognitive behavioural therapy, if you get a chance to try that.

Im actually doing CBT therapy at this time and Im on my 7th session.

Its not really doing anything for me? But sure, it gives solutions and its a smart therapy.

 

I think I just need an old woman or man, just sitting there in a chair, dim lights, and just let me cry and get it all out.

a few sessions of that, and Ill be good.

 

but its not that easy as it seems, to get a hold of such a therapist, at least not in my country.

in USA you just gotta have money and everything is avaliable.

 

in my country, you gotta go through the system, get transfers, remissals, etc.. before you find the right help.

 

takes YEARS to find proper help here.

 

guess the country and you win a point

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