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Short story: I am 35+ years old. Been seeking help for my constant anxiety , yes constant, just as constant as waking up in the morning and drinking water, coffee, or sitting here writing this. Its just there. Its been there for I have forgot how long. Ive been seeking help for this overall since about 2003 or so, but gave up in and around 2013. Why is nothing I want to go into really but I have some "problems" with "self-medicating" due to this anxiety, and all doctors say no to adequate treatment until you are "sober". Quite the catch-22. Im not some junkie looking for a fix. I can be clean for as long as I want to. Never got addicted to anything. Until this year, coming to that in a moment. Anyway, I did like they said, showed them clean urine for a period of time, they treated me for GAD, Panic Disorder and Depression, but sadly, with 0 effect. The first SSRI I tried made me quite numb but when I decided to get off after I few years, it felt like I had been sleeping for the past years. Scary as fuck. The next SSRI wasnt as cloudy or sleepy, but lacked any effect. Anyway, I stayed clear from psychiatry and hospitals and started self medicating. Again. This time I went back to benzos since I had been clean from them for over 3 years. But they didnt work. I had become Immune. This scared me. What has happened in my brain that makes me immune against benzos? Alchol works, but benzo has no effect. I can take 10mg of Diazapam or 100mg of Diazepam at once - and the effect is identical. Light light anxiety releief and a bit tired. I googled this of course and it means I lack the specific receptors in the synapse for the benzo to bind on. Therefore, If I take one dose of 10mg, or one dose of 10000mg, it wont matter. The rest will have no place to go. No synapse has any avaliable BZP- receptor. So benzos are out. Yes, Ive tried all avaliable to buy easily, which is Diaz, Alpra, Fluniz, Broma, Tema, Klona. Ok, so Opioids then. Start light. Codeine. Meh, requires way too much, and it lasts way to short a time. Becides its a bitch getting the pure form, it always comes with toxic Paracetamol which is very dangerous when you take several grams of it.. Second option was Tramadol. Wow. I found it! It cured all my anxiety! Cured my Depression! I was on it daily for about 4 months until I noticed I had to increase the dose quite rapidly. And soon I was on 1+g / day just to stay off Withdrawal. I got off a few times (Tramadol withdrawals are a bitch.) but always started again. Now the same thing happened again. The first 3 days was wonderful, then nothing. Its like I got Immune to that shit too. I could literally take 100mg or 1000mg, same effect... So Oxycontin then? Didnt even work, I tried 60mg, didnt even have any effect. Morphine? Since the low oral avaliability (And I dont shoot) I didnt even bother. Left was Suboxone and Methadone. Tried sub, and it was great. Killed the anxiety, didnt give me much of a high, but it worked. Kinda like a Tramadol-light. But after a few months I was at max-dose where it levels off, and stops working. So I tried Methadone. Wow what a fucking kick in the head. Took a bit much as my virgin dose So I hardly remember that day, more than laying in a fluffy cloud of warm euophoric blankets. For those of you who do not know, yes, Methadone is extremely potent and gets you REEEALLYY high. But again, it comes to a point where it stabilizies in your body and you dont feel it anymore. This happens with almost any opiate/opioid. See the Documentary "Methadonia". So I decided to take up hospital care again, they gave me this time an SNRI called Venlafaxine. No effect at all, neither good nor bad. I have a new appointment soon and we are gonna start with Mirtazapine to add to the Venlafaxine. Apparantly these have some opioid-receptor affinity and should work good when mixed together. If Venlafaxine + Mirtazapine doesnt work, the last option is Cymbalta. If that dont work either, Im back, left to my own devices. This time I aint got no more options left. And yeah, I tried Pregabalin https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregabalinbut it just makes me feel wierd. I wish I could smoke Cannabis but I cant, just taking ONE hit makes me almost TRIP, because I get so intense flashbacks from my teens when I did alot of shrooms and shit, and while you have this kinda anxiety I have, pot is just not an option, point blank. It just makes it go waaay worse. So Ive tried all legal options, all illegal options, and I dont believe in any self-help stuff like Mindfullness, CBT, and stuff like that. Trust me, after 35 years I know what to do to kill a panic attack before it happens, and I know how to breathe and relax and all that stuff, but I cant kick this nagging constant 24/7 anxiety. I WISH I could be on Tramadol for life. But that didnt work. I was on 400mg/day for MONTHS and it was perfect, then all of a sudden it just ... stopped working... had to go up to 2g to get effect and 1g just to keep Withdrawals away. Thanks for letting me vent here and put my thoughts into words. I really dont feel anonymous anywhere else than psynews right now. Thanks for reading, cheers